It is quite common to sit in the counselling room with a client who feels stuck in their life. I hear phrases such as ‘It’s always been like this’, ‘Nothing changes’, ‘What’s the point? It can’t change anything.’ And believe me, there have been times that I have felt like this. It can be so disempowering to feel ‘stuck’ and ultimately, hopeless.

But I was reminded this weekend that things rarely stay the same, even when we don’t know they are changing. Throughout our lives, we have the big changes – births, deaths, divorce, job loss, house move, illness, etc. And then there are the subtle changes, the ones that we don’t notice, but we wake up one morning and realise that actually, life has moved on a great deal.

So my friend experienced a major life change this weekend. Something that is going to change her way of life significantly. And it relates back to another change that happened four years ago. Of course, we were in the midst of a worldwide pandemic and experiencing change like most of us had never known at that time and so everything was different. But as we discussed this, she reflected on everything that had happened in the intervening four years.

My friend listed several significant events that had changed her way of life, including changing career (in her early 50s); supporting her partner through several job changes; one child moving out; another going through GCSEs, A Levels & starting uni; welcoming a new member to the family; and losing both parents-in-law. She ended by saying: ‘It just makes me think about how life can change in such a short space of time. Who knows what will be happening in 2028!’

And this is so true. I thought about how my own life has changed since 2020. Pretty unrecognisable, actually. Although I’ve experienced the big things: career change, divorce, house move; there have been subtle changes. Just thinking about how the children have grown up and become more independent made me think about how much time I used to spend taking them to various clubs and activities. There was a time that I spent most evenings rushing around, stressed and feeling unsupported as I threw a simple dinner together between drops at sports and dance clubs. Nowadays I have my weekday evenings free to watch the 6 0’clock news! Who would ever have thought that would be possible?! My eldest drives to her club and picks up my youngest on her way home. This would be unthinkable just two years ago!

There are so many examples of these subtle little changes that we don’t notice.

For me, reflecting on changes in the counselling room gives me hope and I try to encourage clients to think about what changes have happened for them that they may not have even noticed. We tend to focus on the negative changes: ‘he/she left me’, ‘my mum got ill’, ‘I failed that exam’, ‘I lost my job’… And these are valid and need to be explored to figure out how they have left us feeling. But I wonder what happens if look back and balance that out with the positives that may have come out of these events?

Following the conversation with my friend, I went on to a group chat and asked the following questions:

• Tell me three things that have changed your life/family in the last five years
• And when you look back and see how much has changed, how does that make you feel about your life/yourself?

The answers I got were astounding. They brought up so many emotions for me, predominantly pride. I felt humbled by what my friends shared and how they related the events to what they learned about themselves and life and how it changed their own relationships with those close and with themselves.

I can’t share it all but here are a few amazing insights:

‘My daughters getting older. Five years ago they were 4 & 2, I was a single parent and it was hard sometimes to see that things might get easier in terms of their demands on me. But I know now that those days were precious, that because I was on my own it created an amazing bond between us. I doubted all the time whether I was parenting correctly, for example, it was impossible to have a bedtime routine where I put them to bed separately, so we’d lay in my bed, all 3 of us until they went to sleep! They are 9 & 7 now and although those days seem like yesterday, this morning they got up, took themselves downstairs and I had a lie-in!’

‘I married. We were never going to get married but he nearly died and things shifted a bit! I also moved house. I had been stuck in my marital home and it felt suffocating. The children are nearly adults. I feel grateful, proud, free, content and excited for the future.’

‘I’m stronger and more resourceful that I thought I was. Before my son became ill in 2018, I thought I struggled to cope when curve balls were thrown into my life. Fighting for [my son’s] medical care and education has meant that I don’t unquestioningly take what I am told but I question it and try to find a better way if I can. I think back to Clueless where low grades were ‘a jumping point to start negotiations.’ This is how I started thinking when I was told something wouldn’t be possible for my kids! I think this means that I don’t get easily scared of the future.’

‘We moved to our current location three years ago this week, purely for a school that we thought could meet our son’s needs. It’s taken three years to finally feel settled and feel like this is home. Where I am now is the complete opposite to the bustling vibrant and diverse lifestyle of East London! I wasn’t ever sure that I would feel like my heart belongs here. I think all of us individually planting roots has helped. We were away this week and driving back up into the winding roads and into our drive, I truly felt that peace of being home.’

‘My Dad was in dementia care home and I was constantly negotiating and soothing relationships between my stepmum and my sister. Now I don’t get involved and I leave them to it! Dad has died and I have mourned the Dad I didn’t get and forgiven and celebrate the one I had.’

This is just a selection of the amazing stories that my friends shared. There are more and they will be shared more widely in time. What I loved was that a couple of people thanked me for asking the questions and noted that it was so rare that we look back like this and think about how the challenges made us feel at the time and how we feel now.

Someone said: ‘Looking back to those moments, I would never have thought that I’d be the person that I am today! Hindsight is an amazing thing, however each part of me was important in the growth of who I have become.’

What I overwhelmingly noticed was the resilience that has come out of these experiences. When you have to fight for the rights of your child, for example, you learn that you have that fight within you. I know for myself, taking the decision to leave my husband and change career at the same time was the most frightening thing I have experienced (and self-imposed, I might add). But something told me that although it may have been stupid (insert brave here), it had to be done for a better life. I had times when I felt totally defeated, depressed and couldn’t see an end to it. But each little win (buying a house, successfully negotiating finances, passing placement hours and countless assessments), difficult as they were, showed me that I am capable and that anything is possible.

Change brings resilience. It can be hard, sometimes impossible. The challenges and heartbreak can feel insurmountable and when we are in that place it is not helpful when people tell us that it will be for the best, or that challenges were sent to make us stronger (this is a particular pet peeve of mine – I’ve lost count of the amount of times that I’ve responded with ‘I don’t need to be any stronger, thanks! I’m quite strong enough without this crap coming my way!!!’).

One of my lovely contributors summed this up better than I can: ‘When I look back now, I see the main difference is freedom, all round. I feel contented I achieved it and contented to know it can be done and contented to know that nothing is permanent and can always be changed.’

This is not about being appreciative of the tough times but about recognising that nothing stays the same. Things always pass. Trying to reframe our minds to remember the good that can, and usually does, come from the bad.