What would you say to your younger self?

This is something that I first started thinking about a few years ago when a therapist invited me to talk to my eight-year-old self. The purpose of that exercise was to give the little girl protection and comfort and let her know that she was safe. It is a common tool used in therapy to heal trauma.

However, when my friend recently had a significant birthday, she told me that she spent some time writing two letters; one to her 30 year old self and one to her future self. This wasn’t an exercise in restorative care, just an interesting milestone task that helped focus her mind on how far she has come and what she hopes for her future self.

So I thought that I would give it a go. Stuck in the middle of a decade, I thought that I would go 15 years back to 30 (ish) and 15-odd years forward to 60 (scary thought!).

Without much thought or planning, here’s what came out:

Hey Kelly

Firstly, I want to let you know that you look AMAZING!! I know that you don’t believe it and you have spent the last five years being desperately worried about your weight, but you really don’t need to be. You are a fabulously sexy mum of a toddler and totally rocking it. Don’t worry about your weight. In ten years’ time, you’re going to wish you look like you do now, so don’t even think about it.

I now know that you are about to embark upon a few really tough years. You’re going to have another child and you’re going to chose that time to go to university full time to study a really difficult subject! I’d like to ask you why you think that is what you need right now?

I know you think that you have a point to prove and that you want to achieve the degree that you couldn’t have ‘at the right time, when EVERYONE else did’ but is that really true? Just so you know, you haven’t done much with your degree. Just saying.

What you are about to do is phenomenal – for the next four years you’re going to study, work and bring up two young children with little support. You’re going to get a First Class Honours degree in a Science subject and you’re going to feel insanely proud of this fantastic achievement. Well done!!

I am so proud of you. I still don’t know where you get your tenacity from but I can tell you now, you’re going to need it for what is to come.

For the next ten years, your strength and tenacity is going to be quietly chipped away at. The strong young woman you are today is going to shrink and shrivel and you’re going to hit 40 exhausted with all the self-belief stripped from you. I wish I could tell you to seek help sooner.

It’s going to take you five more years to realise that maybe some therapy would be a good idea. It’s going to work, though. And the anxiety and panic attacks are going to improve. Eventually, you’re going to get to the GP for some meds, you’re going to move to the Forest and discover peace and you’re going to become mum to your beautiful dog Bootsie. Walking for hours on the Forest trails with your new best friend is going to save you.

Crucially, your wonderful GP is going to advise that you get a Mirena coil fitted and the horrific depression and mood swings are going to all but disappear. You’re going to start to find clarity and remember that young, intelligent girl who had fire and passion.

As your beautiful daughters get bigger, you’re going to realise that one thing you are really good at is being a mum. You set the bar high and they hit it every single time. Your connection and dedication to them is what is going to get you through the next, toughest of years.

I wish you could have found the strength sooner. And I wish you didn’t have to go through what you have, but I am so proud of you.

One Saturday night in early 2020, you are going to be on your knees scrubbing shit off the dog, who has rolled in it on a walk. Your husband is going to step over you so that he can go out, yet again, leaving you home alone with the girls. You will be crying as he walks out. You are going to look up and see your beautiful 14-year-old daughter looking at you with the strangest, saddest, most incredulous stare. And you are going to remember in that moment who you goddam are. And I am so grateful that you did.

What happens next is going to be the start of the most amazing transformation, Kelly. It has taken 12 years from you, but your greatest achievement, your children, are going to drive you forward through every battle that you are about to face.

You are going to fight. You are going to fight to leave, fight to buy your own home, fight to get a job you deserve, fight to get on to the training to change career, fight to get the financial settlement you deserve, fight to get fit, fight through hours of therapy to confront your past. Fight for your happiness and your worth.

And every time you falter or lose faith (that’s going to happen a lot), your girls are going to hold a mirror up and tell you how amazing you are, how much they admire you and how much they believe in you. And you will keep on. You are going to ‘boss it’.

You’re not going to believe it, Kelly, but you are going to own and run your own business.

Kelly Worgan Counselling.

Little old you. After everything that’s happened, you’re finally going to have the self-belief you need and you’re going to do it! You’re going to wake up one day and no longer care what other people think (I wish I could tell you right now to stop caring what people think) and you’re going to do something for you. No one else, just you. Only, it will be for others – you’re going to pour your heart and experience into helping others and passionately give them the tools they need to find themselves, just like you did.

For now, I’m going to send you a lot of love and strength and give you a great big hug – you’re going to need it!

Lots of Love from

Your older, more confident, but infinitely less sexy,

Self xx

 

(I’ll save my letter to my 60-yr-old self for next week…)